A Brutal Uncomfortable Truth

For Autism Moms

We don't want to compare.

But our brains just do so naturally.

You'd think it would get easier with time.

But it doesn't

At every event and occasion, you can see it.

The differences.

You over analyze how it's possible.

What her journey as a mother must look like.

How calm. How quiet. How "normal".

You are swallowing while holding your breath.

Not right now, you tell yourself.

You are happy for her, you are.

But internally, the emotional walls you've built are collapsing.

You want to leave, to remove yourself. Run.

But like all the other times, you endure the moment.

You weren't trained for this feeling.

No preparation. No plan.

It feels a lot like envy, but softer.

With a wash of shame and guilt.

There is no right way to feel, is there?

Then you realize.

This is the grief, you'd thought you would only feel once.

Yet, it shows up often in moments like these.

When you leave your secluded Orbit of Autism.