Things I had to Unlearn, after my kids Diagnosis (Autism)

There are 4 things I had to unlearn pretty quickly once my boys were both diagnosed with Autism. All four were extremely hard to come to terms with, and it was not easy to reflect on these habits, let alone change them. As a mom, you would do anything to support your kids, but Autism & Neurodivergence was uncharted territory for my 29 years of life before kids.

1. My Style of Parenting

I had big plans for my parenting style. I had a vision of how cool I would be as a mom, laid back but heavily respected. My kids would listen, eat healthy, play sports, and join in my obsession with reading. I wasn't going to gentle parent per say, as I was not raised like that at all. I preferred to be the hammer but with a cushion. You feel me? Especially raising boys, I wanted them to be respectable men.

With that plan down the drain... I tried some other options:

Discipline Based: This is how I was raised- discipline over everything! Fear was the main tactic, and I flinched when being spoken too. I obviously did not take it to this level, but I did try a smack on the hand and timeout. This doesn't work for Autstic kids. They could give less fucks about timeout, they prefer to be alone. And they don't even bat an eye at a smack on the hand considering they feel little to zero pain.

Gentle Parenting: I had to do research on this one, as I have never witnessed it. This was not my style at all, and it was brutal trying to remain calm and unphazed during meltdowns. This however requires lots of eye contact and physical affection. I am laughing as I write this because, Autistic kids in their own right, loath both of these things.

As neither of these styles of parenting worked, I had no choice but to pay critical attention to my boys capabilities, or lack there of.

The style I landed with:

A mix of...Helicopter, Authoritative, Positive, & Consious Parenting: Just imagine having to learn all of these styles and intertwine them on a day to day basis. Essentially, who the fuck do I need to be today for them? Let me be the first to tell you, its fucking chaos. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to step up to the plate if I wanted my kids to progress. They learn in such different ways, it truly is a lot of trial and error, but most of all its being aware of their overall basic needs (which can change minute to minute). I hate to say it but I am "ON" all the time, no rest for this brain.

2. My life Won't Change because of Kids

This is probably where every new parent gets it wrong. We all believe we will be the exception, that kids won't "ruin" our lives. This might apply to a very small percentage of parents with angelic children (or girls). But this will never be the majority, especially for parents of kids with disabilities. I can't even take my kids outside (without a sturdy fence), I can't take them to the store, the park, or a birthday party. A fucking vacation, or to travel, yeah I think fucking not. Welp, there goes my "they will just join me" delusion.

If I don't put my kid into the car the same exact way every time: He cries and screams for hours. If I don't pull out of the driveway the way we normally do, or God forbid we forget something and I have to go back inside.

We have visited the grocery store exactly once, and it was traumatizing: The grocery store is an unfavored environment due to the bright lights, crowds of people, and loud unexpected engagements.

I would rather shave my head, than bring my kids to a party: This is out of pure survival. There are so many dangers that you can't control & kids with Autism tend to find it.

Unfortunately, my life did change because of kids...massively. And if I am being brutally honest, which I always am, it was not for the better.

3. God will only Give you What you Can Handle

God, Buddah, The Higher Power, whichever faith driven ruler of the universe that you believe in. He/She/It often is handing us shit we can't handle. I know this is a sentiment the community without disabled kids likes to tell parents of the disabled. What they don't understand is both us, and our disabled kids, are missing out on so much. Even on our best day, we can't handle most typical adventures. We can't even handle a different brand of chicken nugget, and strike me dead, if we cut them in halves instead of fourths. There are things we aren't handling, and can't handle, every single day. In my own journey in motherhood, the days I have handled with grace, are fewer than I would like to admit.

In honor of brutal honesty, here are some things I cannot & do not handle:

Not Sleeping: I get angry. Like really angry. I NEED sleep in order to function. I turn the monitor off some nights and I don't even feel guilty.

Social Gatherings: Birthday parties, play dates, family gatherings, holidays, life events... etc. It's a fuck no for us. Now this can change, as they get older...maybe. MAYBE. But for two autistic kids under five, we simply cannot handle it.

A Career: I fully planned on being a working mom. I had an established career with a big new promotion in fact. I make damn sure to be good at what I do. But even this, my lifes plan to have a career and make great money, even this I can't handle. It was simply impossible to keep a job, while losing daycare. (Daycares are not set up for kids who struggle, they often get kicked out) I was the only one forced to care for my kids, which removed a career out of the equation.

4. I Can have a Clean, Organized, Well Decorated Home

I am almost embarrassed to admit it but, this has been the worst one to come to terms with. My dream was never to get married or have kids, no big white wedding dress and no stay at home mom home schooling. My dream was a career I loved, in a big beautiful clean and esthetically pleasing home. Maybe a little shallow, and an overemphasis on material things but, I grew up in a house of 6 kids where I never had my own space. I wasn't even allowed to have an opinion, or speak unless spoken to. I craved my own environment, just the way I liked it. By the time I hit the age where I could have afforded it, I ended up pregnant. And like we all know by now, everything changed. This is a struggle I am certain for almost all moms, not just moms to Autistic children. However the accommodations we have to make, as Autism Moms, is fucking next level.

Let me explain, here are just a few of the accommodations we have had to make:

Safety: Locks on every door, gates on every section of the house, cameras in most rooms & outside, alarm sensors, locks for cabinets, fridge, & pantry, big bulky safety beds and nets, it never ends!

Decorations (lack thereof): Don't even bother trying to decorate your home, these kids can reach and destroy anything. Even when you gate them out. This means no pictures, hanging lights, no photo frames, no fancy entertainment stand with a well decorated mantle, no area rug that isn't microfiber and stain resistant, no nicely decorated dinner table, no plants, no plug ins, no large comfy module couch, and certainly NOTHING expensive.

What you will find in our homes: Bolted bars on the ceilings for sensory swings, zip ties on our vents, light switch protectors to stop them from turning off the lights, bite marks in our entertainment center, heavy duty covers for our couch, broken couch springs from jumping, fruit snacks squished into our air purifier, pretzels stuffed in everything with a zipper, food always, and I mean always, on the floor or stuck to the walls, stepping stones and sensory tiles laid on the living room floor, soap stains from the endless amount of bubbles, and of course action figures lined up just so, as to be permanent decor that cannot be moved.

The life of an Autism Mom, not my ideal environment and the sacrifice feels very very real.

Yet here we are, doing it every day! Making changes when necessary and always putting safety & survival first. I am not the parent I thought I would be, but I do think I am the best parent for my kids. My ability to pivot and seek knowledge on how to navigate this thing called Autism have been my greatest assets. It wasn't easy but I learned to treat my home life, like I would a business or a career, and it has genuinely helped me stay sane. For the most part!

I would love to hear your story, the battles, the sacrifices, the wins and everything in between. I know each journey is unique, but having a community to share experiences, education, and advice feels like a superpower.